The Accidental Astrologer
The universe serves up a cosmic feast this November
By Astrid Stellanova
An astral shout-out to Turkey, NC! Then, let’s time-travel to 1621 to the first Thanksgiving ever. Now, before we set the table with those stubborn ol’ things called facts, here’s what my third-grade teacher swore up and down was the historical truth: Those Pilgrims boiled the turkey and roasted the duck, serving up eel, cod and clams, too. Savory pudding of hominy for a side and a pudding of Indian corn meal with dried whortleberries. They gave us more than a holiday. Mayflower descendants include Julia Child, Clint Eastwood, Dick Van Dyke and Marilyn Monroe. Remember, Star Children, when you want to strangle your cousin after the pumpkin pie, at least one turkey gets pardoned every Thanksgiving.
Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
There’s an old saying at our house: It’s never good for the turkeys when pigs choose the holiday menu. A pal in your circle has been guilty of promoting their own interests over yours. They don’t even realize how much this might hurt your friendship, so call them out. It started in innocence. Let it end there, too, Sugar.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Lordamercy, bad news! You just tested Jell-O-positive. Why in the round world are you being such a chicken? Remember who raised you, stand up against the bullies, the meanies and even the monsters under the bed. This, too, shall pass.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Here’s some can’t-miss advice. Don’t diss his Mama . . . remember, he loves that crazy woman. Time to put the shut to the up-and-smile like you just got voted most likely to succeed, Sugar. ’Cause if you can do this, you are most definitely gonna catch a sweet whiff of that thing called success.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Yassssirreee, you flung yourself into change and stretched. What’s next — buying a blue apron and auditioning as Flo for a Progressive ad? Think of your health, Sweet Thing, cause you are not that kind of a sap. You are a different kind altogether.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Pop a can of Beanie Weenies and call it a picnic. You showed up, brought what you had, and even if your contribution wasn’t finger-lickin’ fried chicken, you did what you could. Sometimes, poor folks just got poor ways of doing, like my Mama said.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
You stand to gain if everything goes your way. But there is a weather event on the horizon, so to speak, that might or might not involve crazy-making s@#t storms. There is still time for you to decide if you want to stick around and find out.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
You just won a world medal for backtracking. Everybody changes their mind, but there’s a possibility you just plain lost yours. Look at the story that you are laying down now versus then. Not everybody is picking up what you laid on ’em, Sugar.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Beware of purses big enough to hide an axe — and one carrying one. You may think nobody noticed a little double-crossing that went down, but, hell-o, they sure did. It pays for you to stay low for at least long enough for them to blow off steam.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Get away from the fan when things hit. What started unwinding last month is not done, and you are near to the epicenter. You could or could not be directly involved, but you got the whiff of some nasty business by standing too close.
Leo (July 23–August 22)
Look me in the eye and tell me water ain’t wet. That’s right. I’m going to be like Mabel Madea Simmons: Here’s some truth-telling. Surely you already know the best direction for your life is not getting in line with a bunch of rabid lemmings.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
You two just go together like taters and gravy. That’s why when your buddy calls you are all in, every time. Enjoy this fun because there’s a sweet old karmic relationship at work here that you have earned and you definitely need.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Grandpa loves to say it ain’t in their best interest for turkeys to vote for Thanksgiving. When it comes to making changes, be sure it is for the greater good, Honey. Check your mule tracks and be sure you like where you’ve been. PS
For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.