Swinging on the Vine
Did I hear what I think I heard? Probably not.
By Deborah Salomon
Before email, before text and Facebook, before Twitter, before even Instagram there was the grapevine. Who could forget the late, great Marvin Gaye belting out, in 1968, “I heard it through the grapevine . . . ?” The term became synonymous with salacious news.
Lately, my antennae twitched over the following entries, all in good fun, of course:
Putin: OK, OK. So I bit off more than I can chew. I’ll take a week at the Black Sea billion-ruble dacha with one of my children’s mothers.
Rudy Giuliani: Those dopes say my rants prove that I’m senile. Hogwash! Look (drip-drip), my hair isn’t even gray.
Coach K: One-and-done? How about 1,202 (wins) and done. And look, my hair isn’t even gray.
Mayim Bialeck: “Sure, I’m a TV spokesgal for Neuriva (brain supplement). If I didn’t take it, I’d be hosting The Price Is Right instead of Jeopardy!”
Ivanka Trump: “Of course we need 10 bathrooms in our new Florida estate. We have five people in this family.”
President Joe Biden: “Jill, honey, . . . where did I leave my walker?”
First Lady Jill Biden: “Who said blondes have more fun?” Probably L’Oréal heiress Francoise Bettencourt Meyers, the richest woman in the world.
Downton Abbey: A New Era: Lights! Camera! Costumes!
Secretary of State Antony Blinken: “Where are Winken and Nod when you really need them?”
Prince Harry: “Of course she married me for my personality. And look, my hair isn’t even . . . there.”
Prince William, channeling Richard III: “Hair plugs, hair plugs! My kingdom for some hair plugs.”
Crown Prince Charles: “Who needs hair? I’m the heir.”
Vice President Kamala Harris: “Today is Tuesday, which means the baby blue pantsuit. Wednesday is maroon, with matching stilettos.” Good choice, ma’am. Harder to put foot in mouth while wearing stilettos.
Martha Stewart: “Inflation? What inflation? Let ’em eat cheesecake!”
Elon Musk at the karaoke bar, channeling Sinatra; “Fly me to the moon . . . ”
Melinda Gates, on ex-hubby Bill: “He’s just a big ol’ Microsoftie.”
Donald Trump, on Jan. 6: “No big deal. Just celebrating Elvis’ birthday two days early.”
Melania Trump, channeling Greta Garbo: “I vant to be left alone.”
Barron Trump: Denies relationship to Larry Bird. Yet, at 6’7” the resemblance is unmistakable. Except The Birdman smiles.
Patriotism: July 4th, dude. Gotta do something patriotic. Like pay a hundred bucks to see Hamilton or wear some stars-and-stripes flip-flops which now, like everything else, cost $1.25 at the Dollar Tree.
Truth or rumor? Fact or fiction? Stick with Marvin Gaye: “I heard it through the grapevine . . . ” PS
Deborah Salomon is a writer for PineStraw and The Pilot. She may be reached at debsalomon@nc.rr.com.
