Double Vision

There’s never a dull moment when Gemini is in the house

By Astrid Stellanova

Donald Trump, Kanye West, Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, Prince, Joan Rivers, Johnny Depp, Anderson Cooper, Morgan Freeman, Nicole Kidman. What do these famous names have in common besides fame? First and foremost, their sun sign, Gemini. Star children, just try and imagine these Geminis in the same room. If the universe doesn’t have a sense of humor, then pray tell, what is at work here?—Ad Astra, Astrid

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Warm to your gal pals, challenging to your male pals, heck — challenging period. That is what everyone knows runs deep inside your Gemini spirit. You have backbone, which is true. That back can get up, too, when someone gives you grief. You are many things, but never dull. This birthday may wind up being one of your favorites, because you have command of a stage and a chance to vent your anger. You’ve been as hopped up as a mule chewin’ on bumblebees over a friend’s actions. They want to make up. Let them. Show them your generosity can be as deep as your considerable wounded pride.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

You uncovered something you didn’t much like. Things went catawampus when someone you trusted was caught lyin’ like a no-legged dog! It will make you more cautious, which is a good thing. Now, watch how they prove themselves in the future. Translation: Time for them to actually prove themselves to you, and for you to insist upon it.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

You face a challenge and tend to rely upon an old ally. The problem is, your ally is so dumb, they could throw themselves on the ground and miss it. They just don’t understand the consequences of their lack of judgment. You, Child, do. Give them your guidance, and if they fail, show them how to hit the ground and roll.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Well, Sugar, you sure put the right person in charge of handling the money. He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams. Thanks to reforming your once thoughtless money sense, you can afford a splurge. Take the opportunity to let loose and be generous with yourself. Also, let loose in another way that’s completely free — smile!

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Someone in authority is making you half-crazy. Time is here, Sweet Thing, for you to draw a hard red line with this person and stop the crazy-making. Don’t let them pee on your leg and tell you it’s raining! By the end of June, you will discover something you dug up. This hard digging may lead you to a much bigger discovery.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Needlepoint this onto a pillow: “Excuses are like behinds. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.” There was a time when you didn’t take time to offer up excuses. That is your truer self. When you own up to your role in a stinky situation, you can turn it around and find release. Truth works better than Odor-Eaters.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

You weren’t wrong. We just misunderstood what you figured out way ahead of the rest of us. Well, slap my head and call me silly! Now that you have all the information, calculate what it will take to buy yourself a pack of nabs and an orange soda, then call your broker. Your hunches are right on the money.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Darling, there’s a Southern riddle that goes like this: Is a pig’s rump made of pork? Well, Honey Bunny, that’s rhetorical. There is no answer, because the answer is obvious. Now something just as obvious is staring you right in the face. Turn this moment into what you need to march forward and onward and make barbecue.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

She’s so pretty she could make a hound dog smile. He’s so pretty he could make it smile again. That’s said of you and your circle of good-lookin’ Aquarian friends. You’ve taken your kindnesses into your personality in such a big way that you wear it on your fine faces. You make every one of your circle glad to be in your orbit.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

There’s a very sweet someone who wants to hitch a ride on your happy train because he senses you have a good sense of direction. If leather were brains, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a June bug. All that said, you may feel a sense of loyalty to him just because he is polite and says “please” and “thank you.”

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Lately, you have pretty much said “yes” to everything. Sugar Pie, if promises were persimmons, the possums could eat good at your place. This is a reality check for you. If you don’t face up to the music, you could wind up in the orchestra with a baton in your hand and no musicians. Stop all the mania and drop the baton long enough to direct your own life.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Deep in the South, where sushi is still called bait, you have been doing some things nobody around you quite understands. You have been going a little overboard with your need to make a big impression. Like, for example, buying a mystery box at the auction when the rent was due. Take the auction paddle out of the air. PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

Maybe Baby

For Taurus, golden days are ahead

By Astrid Stellanova

May means in Taurus-speak, maybe, or maybe not. Taurus, we know better than to pull your tail and enrage the hothead in you. Friends know you as surprisingly sunny and funny when unprovoked. Shakespeare, Queen Elizabeth II, Adele, George Clooney, Tina Fey, all share the sign of Taurus, and none of them seems too ill-tempered, right?  — Ad Astra, Astrid

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

If anybody crosses somebody in your camp, you’re liable to burn their house down, eat the provisions and take their mule. You are a fierce adversary, Sugar, with a fierce sweet tooth, right? But there is the other side, all generous and loving, and when that side shines, everybody wants to stand in your golden light. This is the reason you collect friends — and enemies — like nobody’s business. Speaking of which, a business opportunity opens in due time. You have every reason to give it a very good look. 

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

This month is Willy Wonka fun and crazy for you. Find the wild child in you to go with it and play. The fact that you finally made it into the candy factory says a lot about just how tenacious you are. You earned your pass and then some. The month you are going to have is one you have longed for, Honey.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Last month’s shenanigans left you a little sheepish and secretly ashamed. Get over it, Sweet Thing. You may have gone to the extremes, but there ain’t no reason you can’t reboot and move on. You paid to play, and nobody had more fun than you did. BTW: Brace yourself for an unexpected love to surface.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Two days this month will reveal aspects of your abilities and talents that you have denied or suppressed. If you can just go with the flow, these talents will lead you to unexpected outcomes offering a brand-new vocational choice. Pay extra attention to the number 4 for additional clues — and don’t argue so dang much. 

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

There is either a good time or a good story this month for Virgo. When you stop muddling over something long past, you will find the traction to move forward. The fact that it is over is something you ain’t quite accepted yet. Sugar, the past is as stale as an old doughnut, but the present is where your true joy lies. 

Libra (September 23–October 22)

The past month was a doozy, and you felt like a wing-walker with a drunk pilot at the controls. This is a time of trusting in yourself and waving bye-bye to the ding-dong person formerly in charge of your destiny. You are the pilot of your life, Sweet Thing. You don’t have to do aerial tricks to prove it, either.   

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

It was sweeter than a bite of a hot buttered biscuit drizzled with honey just to watch the face of a rival fall behind as you roared to the front, wasn’t it? You have pulled way ahead, but they ain’t giving up quite so easy. It might pay off for you to form a peaceful pact with them, or else spend the rest of the year playing a mean game of tag.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

You’ve dodged a few bullets this year. Beginning to face that maybe careless and reckless ain’t just your driving traits?  Now, settle down and cogitate. Let the lessons and the luck sink in, Sugar. It is fun to be one step ahead of trouble,
Twinkle Toes, but it might detract from more important work you have yet to do.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Recent events have confirmed your latest inspirations were a success, and some powerful folks are about to bet on you and your newest ideas. If you were a horse, you would give Seattle Slew a run for the money. All signs point to your standing in the winning circle, Honey Bun. Bow, smile and say thank you.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

In the past, you let one close to you dictate the terms of your life, right down to who, what, where and how things would go down. Have you noticed how wrong they were about what worked for you?  Fire their fool self. You are in a unique situation, Honey Bunny, to reposition your life and your happiness.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

When you got right down to it, you immediately figured out what you needed. That wasn’t so hard was it?  Now you have won the admiration of someone who could use your past experience. Pay it forward. Give this person the benefit of what you know. Your lives intersected for a good reason, Sugar.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

By garaging your three-horsepower moped, you have found the peace and quiet you didn’t know you needed.  As entertaining as it was to watch you roar around town in a ball cap and gray pantyhose, it seems about time you embraced your serious side. You are going to need it. There is a real challenge ahead, Darling. You are up to it.  PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

Lunatics, Lovers and Poets

There’s never a dull moment in Aries-land

By Astrid Stellanova

Oh, the famously maddening, cuh-razy-making Ram! Famous Arians include maniacs like Hitler (OK, OK, der Fürher was actually born on the cusp of Aries, with his sun in Taurus). But it also is the sign of beloved actors (Marlon Brando), singers (Lady Gaga) and rap stars (MC Hammer). Poets (Robert Frost, Maya Angelou) and artists (Leonardo da Vinci, Vincent Van Gogh), too, share the sign of the Ram. We may curse you, Aries Star Children, but we will also follow you, to cliff or cliff-hanger. Ad Astra — Astrid

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Sugar, you have it all: impetuousness, impatience. Usually, you are found stirring the pot in a very hot kitchen. Making action is your M.O., which is why your sign is common among generals and CEOs. But you ain’t common. Driven, affectionate, passionately loyal — also easily ticked off. You push, you pull, you press, you tug; you don’t relent. You have the combustible energy of a turbo jet.  But what you need most right now is a sugar-free cake and a long nap.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

How’s the view from the edge? If you keep raising the hackles of a foe, you could wind up wearing your tonsils as jewelry. Honey, I hope you wake up to the fact that you cannot keep pushing the buttons of some of your most important allies without losing them for good.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

I may not know karate but Astrid does know meltdowns. Juggling flaming batons has become your new normal. Sugar Pants, this is not a pace anybody could or should maintain. Even when you stop, you jog in place.  Don’t just do something — sit there till those hot pants cool off.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Drunker than Cooter Brown. Dishier than Smoky Bacon. This is a time of extremes for you. You have played your magnetism to the hilt, going all Zelda at the drop of a bra or jock strap. Honey, are you sure this is the plan — or is the plan in control of you? 

Leo (July 23–August 22)

It’s been a donkey’s age since you told the most important person in your life you loved them more than a pack of Nabs and a Coke. They need to hear it. Sugar, don’t play it cool. Let them know they are your MVP and cement the deal.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Something in the background of your life just ain’t reading quite right. And, I’d wager my bunions and white hairs that you have been kept out of a situation that deeply concerns you. It may be for your own protection, but I would prick up my ears and listen. If ole Astrid’s wrong, you can keep the bunions.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Well, you can’t uncook a cooked goose, can you? And you can’t make amends if you don’t even recognize you had a hand in turning the oven temp up waaaay too high. You didn’t intend to create the situation, but if you own up, you can set things sorta, kinda right again. It is never too late.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Let’s say you have been obsessed with settling a score. Am I right?  Bet you a doughnut for a dollar that you ain’t gotten over an old feud. It’s been simmering for some months now.  Let’s say you might want to lie low, because this particular feud won’t be helped by throwing more fat on the fire.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

The lump in your mattress is not from stashed cash. Let’s say you’ve been a little extravagant, and you really and truly need some shekels that are scarce as hen’s teeth. Baby, austerity is the word for the month. But when you emerge from this dry spell, an old debt will be repaid and in the nick of time.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Don’t give a hoot and a holler for what some stranger thinks of your idea? It really deserves a better opinion and another look. You are on the right track — no matter what you’ve been told. Your inspiration isn’t just all sweat — it’s a little bit of genius, Honey.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Laying it on with a trowel, were they? Turned your head, huh? Well, that’s what people do when they sense an easy opportunity and a body in desperate need of an attagirl or an attaboy. Here’s the thing: Your reputation is solid as a Cadillac. Keep your feet on the ground. You don’t need that noise.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Even if Sheriff Andy Griffith got pulled into your latest kerfuffle, he wouldn’t know what to do either. The situation you are in requires you to be your own good counsel. Go to the diner, get a good cup of coffee and a slice of pie, and think it through. You already know the truth, Sweet Thing. PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

Surprise! Surprise!

Forget the turnips, Pisces, because life’s about to turn around

By Astrid Stellanova

Time for March Madness and Gladness, Star Children! St. Paddy’s Day on the 17th, and then we give Ole Man Winter the boot on the 20th. Get green. Thaw out. Get on down. Shake the winter funk off and get your good time groove on, Wild Things. Ad Astra — Astrid

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Honey, times ain’t so bad. Don’t go all Scarlet O’Hara, scrounging in the dirt for turnips and cutting up the living room drapes. For your birthday, you have a consolation prize you are going to like. Oh, it’s a gen-u-ine humdinger, and faster than you can say twiddle-dee-dee, you get the biggest surprise in the tee-nine-siest package.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

You’ve outdone yourself recently, getting yourself prime placement in the Pissing-People-Off Hall of Fame. Have you lost your ever-loving marbles? Don’t try and blame all your woes on Jesus, carbohydrates and the mean girls on the cheerleading squad! This is a great year to come clean about the fact that you pitched a fast-ball that was just damn lucky and stop pretending it wasn’t a fluke. Go work on your game, Child.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Remember, class is subjective. Even paper towel can be called common white trash. But not only is that white trash useful, it absorbs a whole lot of other people’s spills. Don’t try and keep up with the Joneses, because, honestly, they are not all that and a pack of Nabs anyway. Your past does not define you.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Your self-mastery has taken a back seat to your need to know what all your closest friends are doing, where, and whoever they are doing it with. Throw it in reverse my Twin, and resist the urge to track your nearest and dearest like a bloodhound. You may feel insecure, but in the coming months you will get a boost that will make you wonder why that was ever true.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

You have been laid up nursing a bad case of the poor pitifuls. Unsure how to get some perspective and back up on your feet? Here’s what you need to know. Honey, life hits us all hard. But you think you fall from some kind of a greater height than the rest of us, right? Not. At. All. The sun is about to break through the clouds, Sunshine.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Sugar, everybody’s dee-lighted you are feeling in fine fettle. But, honestly, spell “overconfident.” A pack of dogs can chase a car and a fast one will dang nearly catch it, but not many of them can change gears and drive the thing. You have got a learning curve before you slide behind the wheel. Hit the books.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

It’s been a dry spell for you in the social department. Don’t worry, dishes, no one did me either. But actually, you are about to have a good times breakthrough and you will be irresistible to somebody that used to give you the coldest of cold shoulders. Meantime, Poor Thing, you finally get credit long overdue.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

You’ve been working hard on an image that you privately consider to be artsy. There ain’t much distance between eccentric and crazy. And I don’t think anybody believes that wearing a beret makes you an artiste. In the meantime, be careful about leaning too much on a confidant that happens to have a very big mouth and a weak backbone.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

You share everything lately, dontcha? Especially the check. The road to frugality started out as a good thing and then you took a turn toward Crazy Town. Relax, Sugar. You have savings in the bank and more sense than most when it comes to turning a dollar. This month, splurge a little and live a lot.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

You have the wattage of a very big star, but your lights went on low dim due to some mean-spirited body who always makes you feel a little foolish and a lot outclassed. Snap out of it, Sugar. They are envious of your God-given talents, and they wouldn’t bother to throw shade at you if they weren’t.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Put that Sapphire-Chase-Supreme-Big-Spenders-Club plastic in the safe, put it under the floorboard, or just get the scissors out and cut it up. You know you didn’t need that new credit card, and nobody cares if it’s the same one that the Spending Hall of Famers pack in their wallets. You know it is a royal temptation, so skip the coronation.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

When Twain quipped that cauliflower is cabbage with a college education, Darling, he was thinking of your chief critic. Maybe this uppity someone is an alum of Cabbage College and now they think this makes them better than you. They can think again, Honey. You’ve got big talent and all they have got is a big head — of cabbage. So skip the Tom Dooley act and don’t go hanging down your (much nicer) head. PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

Risky Biscuits

Mule-headed Aquarians: about to bust with a new sense of direction

By Astrid Stellanova

Aquarians are in fine fettle this year. Everybody calls them visionary — which in my opinion means: They are stubborn as mules, but much better-looking. Aquarians are true to themselves, having mule wisdom that makes them unlike any other Star Child. The Aquarian nature is naturally smart and everybody knows it. They’re ready for the New Year and busting with a sense of direction. And they’re bent upon getting there first and plowing a new field — except when they positively cannot get out of their own way. Ad Astra — Astrid

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Oh, there’s something you want so flipping much you can just taste it but you are holding back. But you would die if anybody knew, wouldn’t you? Birthday Child, you gotta risk it for the biscuit. When you see what you want, don’t hold back until the biscuit is cold and stale. Pick it up, and slather it with some butter.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

It ain’t a story till you tell it. . . and you have got to tell it before you bust wide open, Honey. Who did what to who is the narrative that has kept you on edge for waaaay too long. You know who buried the body, dontcha?

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Jay-zus, take the wheel, because you do not have a clue where you are going. And, to the alarm of us all, you are going 100 miles per hour like you are Richard Petty at the Indy 500. For godsakes, let somebody else be the pace car.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Opportunity has knocked twice. If you ignore it again, you will have to wait until the next astral cycle for a big opportunity like this one, Baby. Your heart has been pounding like wet sneakers in the drier. Ignore your fears. Open. The. Door.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Smug, ain’t you? There are so many ignorant people, and, in your not-so-humble opinion, they seem to be procreating in record numbers. If you don’t learn anything else, you might just try a little checking that attitude and making your sense of humor your bigger goal.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

To those closest to you, your life is about as bewildering as a dumpster fire. Sugar, when you threw your troubles out the window, you threw something valuable with it. Reassess what you deleted. There are some friendships that you can still restore, and still need, Sugar.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Your best friend in life, your mirror self, only had two things when you met. Their past and their future. Somehow, you overlooked just how much you two have in common. But if you surrender the past — both of you — there is so much waiting in the present.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

If you hear yourself saying you are the voice of reason, then you know that everybody else is screwed. Baby, you have got to be kidding. Somebody cares about your future and you haven’t given them the time of day. Revisit, revise and renew yourself.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Honey, when is “old enough to have learned something about life” going to kick in for you? You have allowed some issues to recycle themselves — old lessons still waiting. They ain’t going away. They are just going to hide in the closet until you invite them inside.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

You may not exactly hate your new situation, but let’s just say it feels like the Monday of your life is rolling 24/7. As a matter of fact, you did get a raw deal, Honey. But rolling in everybody’s sympathy ain’t going to help you. Put some steel in your backbone and Tuesday will come.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Now, I’m not saying you don’t have the big picture, but Child, if you were a bird you would know exactly who to dump this one on. Repeat after me: It ain’t your fault. And it ain’t yours to fix. The mess you have been cleaning up on Aisle 5 was never your fault.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Somebody in your life tests your last nerve with their endless complaining. And then, to set you off, they do an eye roll. Which suggests they are gonna find a brain back there in that numb skull one day. Sugar, there is a reason this crazy maker is still in your life. They are not here to teach you eye calisthenics, either. PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

Sweet Joy Ride

Champange wishes, cavier dreams and the chicken dance

By Astrid Stellanova

Oh, what a good time to be a Capricorn! Money! Fun! Champagne on a beer budget!
You bask in the sunshine of a benevolent Universe. And . . . If you don’t go broke trolling the racks at Victoria’s Secret, you will have one fine time with all things sensual and pleasurable and dee-lightful. Actually, with the Sun in your money house, this is when you bank a lot of cash and good times keep rolling. For the rest of the sun signs, we just hope we are in the back seat for this oh-so-sweet joy ride. Ad Astra — Astrid

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Now, Astrid is not always right about everything, but I’m going to mix my metaphors because I feel oh-so-very right on this star call: If you don’t make the best of this astrological joy ride then you sure have missed the bus. Given all the good fortune you enjoy in January, take some time for an attitude of gratitude and pay some of that forward, Birthday Child.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Since the year’s end, you’ve been locked in a dilemma. And Honey, one is right and the other one is you. It won’t take you more than a hot minute to figure out for yourself exactly what ole Astrid means. The jury is still out on whether you will get away with something you know was dicey. Not too late to renege, sweet thing, and set it right.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

When things get rough, some of us run and hide. Some, like you, know how to let loose and be hopeful even when they feel the bus tires are bearing down and about to roll over them. They don’t feel sorry for themselves — no, baby, they feel a chicken dance coming on. This is the beauty of your true self. Dance that chicken dance, Child.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

If you struck gold, why would you look for brass? Somebody you admire has put that question to you about a choice you made. That choice is going to be one of the most important ones you will make. If you feel you cannot choose, then don’t. Sit on your hands. Wait. If your first choice won’t fit, don’t force it.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

You have the constitution of an ox, and when you get sick, you get mad. Consider your choices. Consider you haven’t necessarily done a healthy thing in too long to remember. And the health nuts don’t mean an apple a day will keep the doc away — but only if you aim it right.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Sugar, you’ve been through a lot of challenge. How much of that was your durn fault? Did you show your appreciation when somebody gave you a helping hand? Did you repay the favor? Try remembering to dance with the one who brought you to the dance and get back out there.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

It is true you got some bad blowback. It may be because a confidant of yours uses a phone like a DustBuster, just to get the dirt. Take a good look at who you trust and be sure they are worth all the fuss. Then sweep up the mess and move on, Sugar.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Recent events have left you upside down and bassackwards. You don’t know whether to scratch your watch or wind your backside. Will it help you if I tell you this is good training for you? Despite always giving the appearance you are the One in Charge, you have bluffed and someone called it. Fix it.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Ever notice that the people who ought to be running things are either driving for Uber or giving manicures? Wisdom is going to find you in the most unlikely places. If you are wiser, you are going to keep an ear cocked for insights from people you might oughta listen to before you make that big decision.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Well, hello, Sassy Pants! You put some steel in your backbone and stood up to somebody who needed it. Pushing back may just become one of your favorite activities this year, after a long standoff. You are going to find it easier to be true to your own ideas, and don’t worry if it alienates your Mama.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Big ole changes are in the chart for you, and despite all the secret nail biting you have done, it is going to be just fine, Sugar Pie. If you only knew how many helping hands are making good things possible, you would sleep better at night. You would also sleep better if you stopped sleeping with your cell phone.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

The rumor is, you have finally broken off with the lunatic fringe and found yourself. Or was it that you found religion? Whatever you found, don’t forget where you put it. You have an easy transition into the New Year, and an easy opportunity to renew some old acquaintances. They didn’t forget you.  PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

December’s Stars

By Astrid Stellanova

In the interest of the season, this is a good time to say something nice. (Long overdue, you might be thinking?) Sagittarius qualities make those born under the sign naturally accomplished, because they have energy and curious minds. They travel through life believing the best is possible. They want to know the meaning of life and will travel far to find it no matter what kind of crazymaking place it might take them. Adventure is their drug and so is challenge. Sagittarians are destined for fame: Miley Cyrus. Andrew Carnegie. John Kennedy Jr. Charles Schultz. Tina Turner. Winston Churchill (And so, in the interest of the season, I left out Sagittarian Ted Bundy.) Merry, Merry, Star Children, till next year! Ad Astra — Astrid

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Despite your still having your right mind, it sometimes freezes up on you like Grandpa Hornblower’s hip. You’ve been having some abada-dabada moments that leave you wondering if you need help. Sugar, you are fine in the head department. Just focus on opening up your heart and this will be a holly, jolly month. Give yourself a trip somewhere you haven’t been — you just need a new horizon.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Somebody surprised you with their idea of a gift that looked more like your idea of short-shrift. Do you retaliate? Nooooo, Sugar. You just thank them for the used grill and act like you are thrilled slap to death. Social grace ain’t something you just mumble before a meal.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Would it kill you to act enthused over the new book club’s affection for trashy novels? Well, actually, it just might. You are a closet intellectual, or think you are, but actually, everybody knows you are a Brainiac. You have been outed. We like you just the same, Sweetie Pants.

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

Old age sure is coming at a bad time, ain’t it? You worry about keeping enough money in your oatmeal and granola fund. You worry about keeping your teeth. You worry about keeping your sweetheart from paying too much attention to the neighbor. Well, the good news is, your gums are healthy.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Nobody likes a hot mess. Actually, they like a cold mess even less. Embroider that on your pillow and remember to just learn this: Saying please and thank you doesn’t just work for first graders. The whole wide world could use more of that. It was your good fortune to get pulchritude in your DNA. (Look it up.)

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Here’s a snapshot of your month: You joined a support group for procrastinating but haven’t gone to a meeting yet. What gives with all this putting things off? You know you are usually impulsive, but your get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. No more shoulda woulda coulda. Snap out of it, Sugar.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

People around you cannot quite believe how nice you’ve been lately. Whether it is medication or just an attitude adjustment, let’s say it was just in the nick of time. You have gotten a little bit of dispensation, Honey, but you can’t pretend you didn’t need to check your bad self. There are still bridges to mend.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Even skanks say thanks. At least, that’s what we say when we gather around for a special occasion like a hog-killing or a reunion. (We are nothing if not proud of certain traditions.) Say thanks to somebody for something and try and act like you mean it, will you?

Leo (July 23–August 22)

There’s truth, and then there’s something truthy that you have held onto about yourself. You ain’t exactly fooling anybody who knows you. Sugar, just own it. You have a new chance opening up that is going to require some very vigorous self-examination.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Somebody you like made you play two-truths-and-a-lie and you held your breath, didn’t you? You revealed a deep dark something nobody knew. Well, la-di-da. The moment came and went and nobody fell outta their seat. See? Now move on.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Here’s a confession: you were switched at birth. With an alien. And it is really you who designed the pyramids in another life. And you were also Queen Nefertiti in another incarnation. Did you buy any of this? Well, I hope not, because it is all hooey. What you actually are is some kind of wonderful, all on your own.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

If only you received the same pleasure from giving that you do from getting. The fact is, you don’t. So, perhaps this month you can rehearse not putting moi first. It’s the right season, Child, to grow up and be selfless. Then, for heaven’s sake, allow yourself a whole lot of credit for finally owning up to it.  PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

Ration the Passion

For Scorpios, it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that sting

By Astrid Stellanova

Scorpios are famously passionate, ambitious, intense and jealous. They will ask but they sure won’t tell. What they should know is that their best day is Tuesday, and to mirror their passion, they should don their best color — red. What you should know is this: They don’t always lay their cards flat out on the table, but they really don’t like it when the tables are turned. Cross a Scorpio and you will unleash the scorpion’s sting. And this: A Scorpio will never forget and may never forgive either.

Scorpios like to use their looks as a means of self-expression and will almost always make a big impression wherever they go and whatever they choose to do. They are as colorful as they are unique, too. Prince Charles is a Scorpio. So is Whoopi Goldberg. Ponder that, Star Children. Ad Astra — Astrid

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Friends are tempted to give you novelties on your birthday — things like pillows embroidered with “Drama Queen” or “If You Can’t Say Anything Good about Others, Sit by Me.” Much like the Dowager at Downton Abbey you can dish it out. You have a secret love of bling. Sugar, you also don’t like to admit your tastes are much more Vegas Strip than Park Avenue. This birthday, let go of any desire to be something or someone else and love your own fine self. You are an original, enigmatic and audacious in your ways — traits your friends rely on, Honey. When you blow out the candles on your cake — and there will be a blowout with cake — make a big wish. This just might be your year to win the whole dang shebang!

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

The fact is, Honey, you have become the Ernest T. Bass of relationships. You get mad at your beloved and your idea of resolution is to throw rocks at the window and howl like a hound dog during a King Moon. Time to start being the grown-up when it comes to love matters, my wild little Love Muffin. There is nothing or no one you cannot have once you stop trying to muscle your way to a solution.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

When everyone else was sitting down, you were just outstanding. Take a star turn and then take a seat. Sweet Thing, a strange turn of coincidence is about to make you glad you had such a fine sense of timing. It is more than going to compensate for a rough patch you have just undergone. It’s (nearly) all over but the shouting, as Rick Bragg likes to say.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Does Fifty Shades of Purple sound like the title of your memoir?  Well, you got all shook up over a loved one, and it sent your blood pressure through the roof. Lordamercy, nobody’s worth all that purple passion you’ve been spending. Spend some time in a meditation class instead, and promise yourself you are going to let that crazy-maker go. Then get a hobby for goodness sake — just not in surveillance or private-eye work. 

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

A life-changing experience has caused you to do some recent soul-searching. Now you are looking deep, trying to find a bigger purpose. You have extra special energy this month, Sugar Pie, and it is going to make you a magnet for special and inspiring experiences. If you have a metal detector, haul it out of the closet, as you are about to find something you believed lost for good.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

You spent your fall second-guessing everything you did and everything your closest friends did. Now, Honey, is a time to downshift and just bury some nuts for the winter ahead. Look on down the road and stop majoring in the minor stuff when you need

to look at the major stuff. When you take stock, you have to admit you have been busy overdoing everything you ever thought worth doing at all — except for the nut thing.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Learn something new. Take a friend for coffee. Befriend a stranger. But don’t drink and dial this month, because you are prone to talk too much and listen too little and then pray for rain when all your friendships dry up. The fine print bears reading, Sugar, before you sign that contract, too. Meantime, kiss a baby and indulge your love of sweet tea and a side of lemon pie. But don’t text or dial.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

As much as you want to step into a situation and take control, try and hold your impulsive self back just a teensy bit. There has been mounting evidence that your involvement is not helpful. Meantime, you have got a big old mess to clean up on Aisle Nine. The mess is one you made; so don’t blame the first one you find to hang it on, Sweet Thing.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

You are the Richard Petty of speedy karma, repeating a cycle over and over and over again on the roadway of life. Put a cop on anyone’s tail for 500 miles and they’ll get a ticket, too. Want to retire that title? This month gives you a long overdue chance to reevaluate things, Honey, and you are going to find the support you crave to break out. 

Leo (July 23–August 22)

When you step back and look in the mirror, as you secretly like to do, what do you see? Is it the same person everyone around you sees? Your secretive life is at the root of some pain you hold onto and carry around like a precious bag of gold. Trust someone and unburden yourself, Sugar. Self-truth won’t hurt one bit.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

There’s a new sheriff in town you ain’t so sure you like. Get deputized, Sweet Pants, because you are going to have to deal with them no matter what. Meantime, you calculate your losses and pocket your winnings. You still are going to come out ahead, Darling. But pay attention to a lonely neighbor whose luck ain’t so great right now.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

There’s too many hands around the pottery wheel and it has you all befuddled. In a nice way, tell them to mind their own business, and don’t apologize. Meanwhile, you are the UP in somebody’s 7UP and don’t even know it. Sugar, you have more sex appeal than ought to be allowed throughout this whole dang star cycle.  PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

Laid-back Libra

Don’t let October become “Rocktober” under the sign of the scales

By Astrid Stellanova

There just ain’t no pigeon-holing a Libran. Bridgette Bardot is a Libran. So is Simon Cowell, Julie Andrews. Sting. And Jesse Jackson. The Libran likes the better things in life, likes taking to a public stage, likes being given lots of room to develop their fine talents, but doesn’t much care for grunt work. The Librans I know also don’t like for people around them to kick up a lot of dust and make a fuss.  Ad Astra — Astrid

Libra (September 23–October 22)

You got a hand stuck out, being friendly, wanting to make nice with someone who has tested your last nerve — and they think you stuck your hand out for a gimme. They don’t have the class you do, my well-balanced friend, so the first order of business is to keep your hand to yourself and enjoy the jingling of all that silver that is filling your pocket. You have got a lot of prosperity in the stars waiting for you this year.  And you also have more friends than a body could ever need, so square your shoulders and go enjoy a big ole slice of birthday cake.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

There was a time when keeping secrets worked for you. This, however, is not that time. You need a strong shoulder to cry on, and given your natural magnetism, plenty will offer one. The pleasure of a kind word can go further than the deep pleasure you take from maintaining personal mystery—so purge, Honey, and let somebody be a good pal to you.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

A big idea you incubated some time ago is ripe and ready. Don’t hesitate to share it and find the support and dollars you need.  Also, this is a good time to look at all your investments (I call this rooting and hunting under the sofa cushions) and see how much you have on hand to back yourself. Your idea is a good one; you weren’t crazy when you claimed you are this close to Making Good, as Grandpa Hornblower says.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

Summer was discombobulating for you, wasn’t it Sugar?  And the fall is looking a little dicey.  But cheer up; you are just going to love the year end. But first, there are two matters that need to be addressed before you have the personal freedom to move on from something that keeps tripping you up. Darling, they are not going away without you putting down the Fritos bag (and getting up off the sofa) in order to show these two matters the door.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Whaa-whaa-whaa . . . That, whaa-whaa sound, Honey Child, is your disillusionment when the happy went right out of your red balloon. You have been killing yourself trying to make someone you care for care for you in the same way. There is nothing more you can do. This person is not as giving, generous, nor nearly as much fun as you are.  And they are never going to be as demonstrative. You got invested, for sure, but do you love them?

Pisces (February 19–March 20)

There, there, there. Feel better?  Did you take to your bed after Sugar Booger left your heart busted into two big pieces?  Well, nobody would have blamed you one bit if you had. They seem to have a contractual obligation to darken your world while you are playing Mary Poppins and trying for sweetness and light. Sweet Thing, shake it off and look for a different type.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

You are about two Alka-Seltzers away from driving your friends and families crazy as a bat in the basement. It is true that you can be entertaining and the life of the party, but right now everybody who knows you wishes you could spend at least one day a week boring the crap out of them. Quiet is not a four-letter word. It’s five, Darling.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Someone close to you is convinced you are having a breakthrough just at the very time you feel you are having a breakdown. The other person is right. You have developed a creative genius for seeing a new way to approach a very old problem. It could bring you closer to a dream if you don’t back away. See it through.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

A mysterious person — somebody you’ve known for some time but never well — has a connection to you that will soon become clear.  This will require you to be open, gentle, pliant and honest in order to enjoy the full benefit of a special revelation. Honey, I know that’s a tall order, but for your own sake, try.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Thankfully, you took old Astrid’s advice about last month and stopped borrowing money and began making your own. Now, Sugar, I want you to stop thinking you can borrow time. This ain’t a dress rehearsal — it’s your life you have been blowing like you were on the easy credit life extension plan. Do. Not. Waste. One. More. Second. You aren’t about to die but you also won’t get endless chances to take care of business.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

You’ve had a funny feeling about a loved one that actually is your deepest intuition talking to you.  Trust it. Rely upon it. You have considerable intuitive abilities that have been building since early adulthood. This is not lottery winning-type information, and doesn’t require a Ouija board, but it sure is about expanding your world, happiness and friendships with others. That, Dearie, is the real jackpot.

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

Something started for you last month that you might not secretly trust but that you should.  It was an unusual gift — and you were deeply puzzled at first. This gift is going to change you, change your life and even change your mind about who you are. Honey, it is going to be a crazy ride for you but there is no question it is your destiny to follow the Yellow Brick Road. Get hopping.  PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.

Take a Chill Pill

In September, nothing succeeds like . . . moderation

By Astrid Stellanova

Summer’s end is here, Star Children. Mercy be, Astrid is relieved, as so many star charts are running hot and boiling over, like my Cadillac’s overheated radiator. Cool off, cool down, top off your tank with some nice cool water, and find whatever tickles your pickle. — Ad Astra, Astrid

Virgo (August 23–September 22)

When you celebrate the date of your birth, you don’t have to bake your own cake. You don’t have to apologize for wanting a party. You don’t even have to second-guess what is everybody else’s favorite cake. Sometimes you know what you want, but you find yourself worrying about what others want. Take yourself on a different kind of birthday trip this year, and I don’t mean you have to actually put on your shoes and go anywhere — just get outside of your comfort zone.

Libra (September 23–October 22)

Excess is not your friend this month. The definition of forklift isn’t about putting more on your fork than you can lift. Temperance and a little patience will help you overcome some of the challenges in your personal life and also make you find other outlets for all those frustrations taking residence in your psyche.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21)

Your silence is often mistaken for your possessing great depths. Dare I just flat-out say it, Sugar? It’s often you trying to be mysterious but even more, it is you refusing to commit what you truly think. There’s nothing much wrong in your life right now that a good flat-iron and a cocktail couldn’t fix right up.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)

Imagine you are Lank Lloyd Wright, younger brother of Frank. Or Willy the Kid, the distant cousin of Billy. You feel like you have grown up in the shade. Born into the unfortunate ranks of shadow siblings, not has-beens but never-weres, you don’t like that you never have gotten your due. Honey, all of those feelings are going to dissipate this very summer when fame comes knocking.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19)

You and a certain troubled someone go together like drunk and disorderly. They are the flip to your flop. They are also reliably a lot of fun and a lot of trouble. Their draw has been irresistible for so long you cannot imagine a month without their talking you into something you would never do without their goading. This would be a good month to try.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18)

Say what, Honey? Your belt won’t buckle but your knees do? This is a good time to hit the gym, hit the road, hit a ball . . . just don’t hit the pantry. You love to entertain and you know how to set up a moveable feast. But it is exactly the right time to hit the salad bar and the garden patch and say “no” to anything that doesn’t look like cream, butter or a heaping spoon of sugar, Sugar.

Pisces (February 19-–March 20)

Summer started off with you acting like some kind of genuine crazy person. Thelma and pleaaaaaaaaaaaase! Now that you’ve been there and done that, come on back to reality, Child. Take charge of your inner GPS and find a detour around Crazy Town, USA.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

It has been a redneck picnic this summer for you, and you enjoyed every last bite. Now on to your next phase. You are known for episodes of sanity, and one is coming up. Grown-up time for you, Sugar Pie. It may read as mind-numbing and boring to you, but just give it a test drive.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

You have a will, and that will has been more or less focused upon figuring out how to get your way. Always. Hmmm, hit a roadblock recently, didn’t you? Now you have some explaining to do if you want your beloved to forgive and forget. That’s all I’m saying.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Contrary to what you believe, you have a tendency to show your emotions all over your face. And what you have been showing lately is the meanest-looking doll face since Chuckie’s. Tempers have been flaring, you got into the middle of a ruckus, but you can do better.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

This month is going to be a breeze compared to the hot mess you endured last month. There is every indication you can borrow anything — a cuppa flour, a little time — but don’t borrow any more trouble. There are more important things to attend to right now.

Leo (July 23–August 22)

Go ahead, Leo, roar. You’ve got a splinter in your paw and it hurts like the dickens. Actually, it’s more like you have a splinter wedged in your heart. The wedgie from Hell. It is going to require some time to find the relief you are seeking. Meantime, do what you can to find an outlet — and I don’t mean Tanger’s.  PS

For years, Astrid Stellanova owned and operated Curl Up and Dye Beauty Salon in the boondocks of North Carolina until arthritic fingers and her popular astrological readings provoked a new career path.