OUT OF THE BLUE

No, no. Say it isn’t so.

Bell bottoms are back, either solo or as the mean end of a neon pantsuit, maybe with a nipped-in jacket.

Who’s wearing them? Start with the fashion forward TV anchors not yet born in the ’70s, when a similar craze swept America. Of course then they were stretched across the lean, lithe body of John Travolta, gyrating in Saturday Night Fever.

Have you seen him lately?

This second coming snuck back last spring, first as “relaxed” or “unstructured” pants that relieved decades of stovepipe straights and skin-tights. Trouble was, they just looked baggy. Pajama-bottom baggy, especially the jeans.

Jeans, I realize, are like martinis, not to be messed with. Boot cut? Maybe. But never baggy.

Bell bottoms, which flare below the knee, became part of the British Royal Navy uniform in the 1800s. They could be rolled up to prevent getting wet when wearers swabbed the decks. Sailors were even instructed to, in an overboard situation, remove their pants, fill the legs with air, tie them together and use it as a flotation device. I immediately pictured King Charles II thusly occupied and fell over laughing.

Bell bottoms have no place on cowboys, either. Flapping denim might become entangled with stirrups. Boot cuts were as wide as you needed to go to fit over, well, your boots.

Fashion has become a quixotic state of affairs, an art form that reveals much about its wearer. Amish apparel, for example, reflects the tenets of their faith and their extreme modesty. In the secular world our eyes become so accustomed to a fashion that a sudden variant provokes consternation. I remember when, after a decade of miniskirts, the maxi came into vogue, provoking gasps of horror until eyes and minds adjusted.

Horror belongs on the same page as bell bottoms. These pants, as well as leisure suits and sideburns, opened the door to generations of severely repressed men, to whom wearing a pink button-down was practically a federal offense. Ditto earrings and psychedelic prints. “Free at last,” the former preppies shouted as they boogied across the dance floor to “Stayin’ Alive.”

New for fall, ladies can puzzle over the baby doll dress with high waist and very short circular skirt worn over bare legs. In truth, fashion has been an issue since Eve wore fig leaves. Giorgio Armani’s recent funeral turned into a glitterati fest. The clock missed a tick or a tock when Anna Wintour retired from Vogue. And Mona Lisa continues to smirk as she fills out a frumpy brown frock revealing an inch of cleavage. Now, like a fat bear approaching hibernation, I will cease my occasional fashion appraisal, pull on some sweats and take a nap.